The Sports “Levels of Shock”

I actually originally wrote this as an email to sports writer Bill Simmons, but I decided to also post it up on here. I’ll just post the unedited (read: formatted as an email, not a blog post) version, as it makes more sense than if I attempt to format it for this site.

 

“I’m a big fan of your writing, but maybe my favorite thing of yours is your theories. I’ve got one; it’s similar to “Levels of Losing”, called “Levels of Shock”. Let me explain. It measures just how shocking a sports moment (almost always a turning point in a game) was from a fan standpoint. It is on a 10 point scale, and measures as follows:

1) You totally saw it coming. Not only that, you generally just don’t really even care. On the same level as “Aw, Ronnie and Sammi broke up again? I really thought they had it together this time!”.

2) Still saw it coming. Only difference from 1 is degree of game-change. Think Kobe’s game-winning in the 06 Playoffs against Phoenix (yeah I know, a Kobe reference in the third paragraph pretty much guarantees this won’t get published). It may have been a huge shot, possibly even qualified for one of the Levels of Losing”, but it wasn’t really shocking. A disgruntled Kobe, in one of his moments of absolute focus, making a game-winner? More predictable than an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, only with less Lamar Odom.

3. The outcome is predictable, the way it happens, not so much. I don’t think many people were surprised when LeBron left Cleveland. It was the easy call. But the way he went about it? Shocking. Reminds me a little of how Shannon in LOST dies (does the LOST reference make up for the Kobe one? Stay tuned, more LOST coming). No one was really shocked that she was killed off; not as hot as Kate, not as sweet as Sun, no MILF potential like Claire. She had to go. But shot by Ana Lucia? What? Just a little weird.

4. Initially surprising, but then you think about it. The Favre interception in the NFC Championship game is a perfect example. While that is as damn near a 10.0 on the losing scale as can be, it’s only about a 4 on the Shock Scale. Why? How about because Favre was playing on borrowed time all season. How about because after the 12 men on the field penalty, there was no way the Vikes were gonna pull it off. How about simply because the Vikings are clearly never destined to win anything? Anytime you can think of three solid (and those are all solid) reasons explaining it, it receives a 4. Shocking at first, then you ponder it for a moment, and finally end up at the conclusion of “yeah, makes sense”.

5. I actually like number 5 as a nice middle ground between predictability and surprise, and for that reason, it is a little different from the rest. This is for sustained surprise, such as the Giants recent playoff run ending in a World Series victory. Other examples include the ’10 Celtics, any March Madness Cinderella team, and pretty much all productive white NBA players. This is the long-term story that you write off at first, then slowly start to accept as “oh, this really is happening. Interesting”. It can also work the other way around, with disappointments. Included under disappointments are all Yankee teams 2000-present that don’t win the World Series, the Celtics-Cavs playoff series from June (from a LeBron fan standpoint), and every 50 Cent album since Get Rich Or Die Tryin’.

6. Now we’re starting to get to some real surprises. Number 6 is reserved for those events where honestly, you didn’t see it coming, but if someone asks, you sure as hell predicted it. Perfect example: the 03-04 Lakers blowup. A team with 4 future Hall of Famers, including Shaq and Kobe, two of the best 10 ever at their respective positions. Add the greatest coach of all time, and there is absolutely no doubt that they should win the championship. Right? But they didn’t. And while hindsight is 20-20, and it’s easy to see that something just wasn’t right, no one can say they honestly weren’t a little surprised by the final outcome of that season.

7. Very surprsing, shocking even, but the magnitude of the play is less than an 8, 9, or 10. LeBron’s shot against Orlando in the 09 playoffs fits well here, as does the Steve Bartman incident, and Favre’s final play against the 49ers in 09.

8. Sustained surprise, like number 5, but at a much bigger magnitude. Not a single moment, but an event that you watch and just think “No way. This is not happening”. The 04 Red Sox-Yankees ALCS is a perfect example. Another is the the Golden State Warriors-Dallas Mavs 07 playoff upset (to this day the only instance of a #8 beating a #1 in a seven game format).

9. The “what the eff??” moment. Not quite a life-changer, but getting there. Helps if there is a little weirdness involved. These are a like an M. Night Shyamalan movie (by that I mean only The Sixth Sense, not the terrible ones); not only do they leave you a little stunned, you are legitimately unsure of what just happened. The Artest brawl at the Palace goes here. So does Tyson bitting Holyfield’s ear off, and Pedro taking down Don Zimmer. Come to think of it, 90% of these come in some kind of brawl/extracurricular activity.

10. The life-changer. Very few moments can qualify for the perfect 10. The Helmet Catch. Horry’s shot against Sacramento in the 02 Western Conference Finals. Buckner. When the nuke goes off to end LOST Season 5. No further explanation should be needed.”

We’re Back

Well, after a long hiatus, The American Pastime is back at it. Unfortunately we’ve missed a lot of opportunities to ridicule some key sports happenings over the past few months. A quick look back at the bigger events we missed.

The Superbowl. March Madness. All of baseball season. The NBA Finals. The Favre saga (for now). The LeBron saga (for now). Many, many others. Not much to say here, but look for some new stuff coming soon.

NBA Young and Talented

The NBA has gotten a bad reputation lately, but once you get past the gambling addicts, and halftime drinkers, and the illegal gun charges, basketball is just a good, clean sport.

Plus, the New Ballers Association has got a hot team for the future, the OKC Thunder. Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, James Harden, and Jeff Green. That’s a solid 4-core of young studs. The Durantula is on his way to superstardom, and Westbrook has better handles than a Russian vodka supplier. The team plays great team defense (no, really), and Thabo Sefoloseasterneuropeanlastname is becoming one of the best perimeter defenders in the league. The Thunder, as long as they can sign Durant long term, should be a playoff contender for a while.

Someone asked me today if I’m trying to make this the new Comedy Central of sports. Well, yeah. Only funny.

NFL Playoffs Week 2

Lightning round. Couple lines per game.

Saints 45 – Cardinals 14

All I could think about during this game was Kim Kardashian’s bush. I am of course talking about her boyfriend Reggie Bush, who dominated the rushing attack. Better than Chris Johnson!!!11!!!!1! Yeah right, but still a huge game for him.

In other news, Kurt Warner is somehow still alive after taking a monstrous hit after throwing a pick.

Colts 20 – Ravens 3

I thought the Ravens were the ones with the lockdown defense? Guess not, as Baltimore struggled to score more than a straight guy in a gay bar.

Cowboys 3 – Vikings 34

The perfect story. America’s team, the playoff underdog, finally wins a playoff game last week, then uses that momentum to storm ahead, blowing out each team in they face on their way to a Superbowl. Nah. The Viking’s D-Line had other ideas, as they pressured Romo like a group of teenage boys pressures each other to try that beer. The result, a 40-something year old Brett Favre running around like a kid on Christmas, and a big Vikes win.

Jets 17 – Chargers 14

You know how it’s all good when in December you’re buying great Christmas presents, but then January comes around and you get hit with the bill, and suddenly everything isn’t so darn peachy? I imagine that’s kind of what it’s like to be a Chargers fan.  December’s darlings proved once again they can’t win a game that actually, you know, matters, and the Jets pulled off a big, yet hardly surprising upset.

Kobe

Sore hamstring. Broken finger. Back spasms. No, those aren’t the presenting symptoms from your favorite episode of House, MD. That’s what Kobe Bryant has been playing through for the past four games.

And in that stretch, the Lakers are 3-1, their only loss handed to them by the Spurs, ESPN’s #2 ranked team in the league. Say what you will about how good his supporting cast is, and it is one of the best in the NBA, but Kobe finds a way to win, no matter what. After averaging 13 PPG for the first 3 games of that set, he comes out and drops 30 against the Clips, barely playing the 4th quarter. All I’m waiting for is someone to come out yelling “This is Spartaaa” because he is a warrior. He cannot be stopped.

Meanwhile, LeBron puts up Playstation Numbers against the Jazz on Thursday night (18 points in four minutes are you kidding me), but manages to lose the game. I love LeBron, don’t anybody get me wrong here. But whether I’m choosing my favorite kind of high end beef, or which player I need to win a game, the answer is the same. Kobe.

Jets vs. Bengals last Sunday

Since it’s my first post on this blog, I think I’ll start things off with a riddle to break the ice.

Q. What’s the difference between a football, and the common cold?

A. Braylon Edwards can catch the common cold.

Really though, what a money pass from Senor Sanchez that Edwards dropped in the Endzone, which could have made Sanchez’ already impressive line (12/15, 182 yards, and a TD), even better, in the USC alum’s first ever playoff game.

Talk about rookies, what was Frank Gore doing on the Jets on Sunday? Oh wait, that was Shonn Greene, rookie outta Iowa. Dude got barely over 100 carries all year, then goes for 135 yards on 21 in the postseason. The man is a beast. 5’11′, 226 with some serious speed outta the backfield.

A lot of people own Chad Ochocinco in fantasy football; Darrelle Revis owns him in real life.

Can you say shutdown corner? With Revis on him in week 17 of the regular season, and the opening playoff game, Chad managed a total of two catches for a laughable 28 yards. To put that into perspective, Revis had nearly as many yards on his interception return as Ochocinco had receiving in two games.

That’s all I got for the game. Thanks for reading, and look out for my upcoming stories on the world of soccer. Just kidding, I only write about sports people like.

The American Pastime

Having a sports blog with a name like The American Pastime would probably lead most people to believe that the name is in reference to baseball. Most people would be wrong. The name in this case actually refers to any random ass fan talking about sports like they’re getting paid to do it, which seems to be a commonplace these days. Which is exactly why I’m going to be doing it, but unlike 98% of the other sports bloggers out there, I’m clever. And entertaining. And a smartass. Which is why people are actually going to read my blog.